Tuesday, February 7

Leave All Failure Behind

I was surrounded by a group of people, some of them, my peers. Was this a classroom? A community function?

“I’m the Vice President of Unknown Corporation,” he said. He seemed like an acquaintance but I couldn’t make him out. This thirty-something Hmong man was clean-cut and dressed in business attire. He continued to say more about his work and that he had contemplated becoming the President of a college as a stepping stone to what he currently do.

To the right I overheard a white woman react in amazement, “My god, a stepping stone?! Being president of a college is enough!” That was interesting, I thought. To hear a white person speak so highly of a Hmong man.

The dream I had this morning was disturbing. It reaffirms my biggest fear: becoming insignificant. Whenever I see a Hmong colleague in the news accomplishing some great feat, my body tense up, my stomach churns, and my breathing intensifies. Could these be symptoms of an anxiety attack? I call it my "Leave All Failure Behind" act. For the rest of the day, the sky falls and I become people-little trying to save myself from inevitable doom.

I have always been a competitor and a winner. I refuse to lose. Failure is not an option. There is no second chance in life. And all those clichés I’ve come to believe. I worry so much about this that I’ve developed a disorder called Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. The condition is exacerbated by an unstable emotional upbringing, of me feeling like I’m always having something to prove.

I do have something to prove. Not to anyone else but myself. I cannot waste anymore years living in mediocrity. I need to feel like I’m doing, executing, leading, achieving,...living! I need to finish my education, get that dream job, find that dream girl, and save our ailing world before the sky falls! I just need change. New surroundings. New people. New stimulation. A new beginning perhaps.


At 2:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can run but you can't hide. Meaning you can leave all your troubles behind but eventually they'll catch up to you.

I've always told you. Make do with what you have. What you give up now will be so hard to rebuild.

Believe me, you don't want to travel the path that I'm currently traveling. And certainly, you don't want KB or your kids to go through it either. Seek counseling, you and KB both. I can only wish the best for you two.



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