Cross-Country Trip Derailed

Three nights ago, I had another one of those hard cries. The kind that wakes her up in the middle of the night. Wild thoughts ran through my mind, including thoughts of death.

Two nights ago, I talked to KB about “taking a break”. It was my way of asking for a separation. Of course in our community, this is unheard of. That’s what she said anyway. I stayed up all night thinking about life, but my red, weary eyes eventually gave in around 7:00 a.m. When I woke up at noon, I listed three pages of items I would take with me. I had decided that I would do a week-long, cross-country trip. It was the trip I'd imagined even years ago, blasting my Blue System CD's as I weave through the Grand Canyon. I was going to get some cash, borrow my mom’s van, and just leave. Leave everything behind. Leave my past. Leave KB, leave Jaz, leave everything that is familiar. I was going to do some much needed soul searching. But KB found my note and spoiled my plans. One thing about this woman, she’s very good at derailing my plans.

Yesterday, we talked…again. Fearing that she would lose me forever, she fought hard to comfort me. You’d think she was fighting for her life. In fact, she was. It was again a chilling reminder how loving she is to me and how ugly I’ve become. How I hate Jasmine for ruining this beautiful heart. This loving heart. Now, the only thing it’s capable of is hate.