Thursday, April 6

An epiphany

"People love you, they just don't love you in the way YOU WANT them to. And that's where we falter."

While talking to a friend tonight, I had an epiphany. All along I've been questioning why everyone who I've ever loved leaves me eventually -- my father, sister, God, church, close friends, Jasmine, and now Kabao. What if it's not they who left me, but I who left them...or at least don't want anything to do with them after the hurt and disappointment. I have to admit I am notoriously the point where I shut people out of my life completely. And I'll hold a lifetime grudge if I have to (16 years and counting with my own father). This is not good, I know. Why am I like this?? (hmm.....thinking....) I think there are internal and external root causes. Internal because I can be demanding on people (a pefectionist, high expectations) and external maybe because I've been hurt one too many times. After my parent's divorce, my father left me, his elder son, in the dark during my adoloscent and young adult life. He wouldn't even do my wedding and said that if I died, he wouldn't come to my funeral. God, the one person who I thought I could trust, took his side it seems. To think I used to be such a Bible-tooting church goer. Betrayal is something I know all too well. I'll be a friend, a lover, a family member, but the moment I smell betrayal and disloyalty, I will turn on you like a mad dog on its owner! You can say it's a defense mechanism I've built over the years. People who know me know I live a sad and lonely life, despite a normal facade. I'll have to think some more about this during my cross-country trip.

(Betrayal....something I've learned do well myself. *Sigh*)


At 7:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting...thanks for sharing. I would recommend PSI Seminar. It won't take care of any of your problems (like this one) but it will give you insights to why YOU are like you and why you can release and should release your grudges. Just let me know in advance if/when you would like to take it.


At 10:55 PM, Blogger Vam Leej said...

Thanks for writing, princess. What is PSI? Last year, I went to a Promise Keepers convention in St. Paul. PK is an all-men Christian conference on how to be a better father and husband. It also talked about forgiving our own fathers for their sins and downfalls. Gosh, nearly all of the men there wept, myself included. It was the first time in over a decade I actually felt God's presence.


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