Wednesday, February 15

A Mid-Life Crisis?

We made sweet love last night on Valentine's day. But we both know that things are not okay and that we still need to finalize our talk. We still need to make a decision on how to let go, IF we let go. In the last few days, I've heard hints from her how she would accept me back completely if I promised to change a few things, including searching for that soul mate of mine. This woman loves me so unconditionally. She knows about my full-blown affair, yet still allows her heart to love me. I know I will never find another woman who will care for me as much as Kabao. My female friends remind me of this regularly. I grow increasingly curious if there's a secret love manual in an underground estrogen society that I'm not privy to.

I'm not sure what state of mind I am in right now. I think I need time and physical space to sort my thoughts and feelings. Some days when the wife and kids are together, my heart goes to this wonderful family of 14 years. But on miserable days, my soul cries for change. I don't know if I just need more time to heal from Jasmine's death grip or something more. But I hate that bitch so much already; it has to be more! So I sought the advice of my favorite virtual friend, Google, and came to some interesting information on mid-life crisis. Here's what I found (bolded are my emphasis):

The term "mid-life crisis" refers to a time when adults realize their own mortality and how much time they may have left in their lives. A mid-life crisis can include:

  • Discontent with life or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
  • Boredom with things/people that have held great interest and dominated your life
  • Feeling adventurous (travel work, motocycle) and wanting to do something completely different
  • Questioning the meaning of life and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
  • Confusion about who you are or where your life is going

Small, nagging doubts may appear, perhaps followed by a series of dramatic, apparently irrational events leading up to great change. During it all, men and women ask themselves questions such as: Is this all there is? Am I a failure? Symptoms and behaviors during mid-life crisis can range from mild to severe, including:

  • Boredom and exhaustion, or frantic energy
  • Self-questioning
  • Daydreaming
  • Irritability, unexpected anger
  • Acting on alcohol, drug, food, or other compulsions (PH!)
  • Greatly decreased or increased sexual desire
  • Sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger
  • Greatly decreased or increased ambition (true)

Could I be facing a mid-life crisis so soon already? I exhibit all the right symptoms. Feeling empty, needing to accomplish, wanting more in life, etc. My goodness, perhaps I need to change the focus of my therapy sessions! Haha...(sigh)


At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Knowledgement of KB's unconditional love for you is a step to recovery. Help her fight and win this battle, for the both of you, for your KIDS.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Vam Leej said...

Anonymous: My affair have not only tested my limits, but also Kabao's love. Throughout our marraige, she's made it real clear that the second she finds her man having an affair, that she'd be the first to help me pack. It's as clear as day. No ifs, ands, or buts. But saying something and being in that situation are two different things. Now that we are living it, it's not quite as easy. It's not quite as easy to let go after so many years.

This experience confirmed two things: (1) men are jerks (I'm finally putting myself in that category) and (2) my wife loves me so gooddamn much, it scares me. If only I could describe to my readers the shrieks in her cries, the endless trails of tears, nws nim ncia nica like a little puppy who's lost.

At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Rose said...

Don't be too hard on yourself but at the same time never make a decision without looking from all perspectives and weighing the consequences, the traditional in me speaking of course AND proud of it!!!

I hope it's really a phase you're going thru....

My prayers are with your family.


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