In Search of My Soul

In the next couple of weeks, I will be searching for an apartment or place. You would think that I am saddened by this reality, but I am actually looking forward to it. Kabao said to me last night, “Gee, you look like you’re so excited to go.” I couldn’t say anything but my heart was nodding in agreement. It’s not that I want to leave her and everything that’s familiar to me. More like looking forward to a much needed vacation. Looking forward to escaping the suffocation life has been choking me. Looking forward to cleansing the mind, searching for answers, finding the soul. Deep down, I need to find out who I am, what is important to me, and what I want to do. This will be my moment to regroup, recharge, chart a new course, and plow forward.

My life is so much more complicated than love and compatibility issues with my wife, or should I say "ex". What I face is beyond the physical and into the spiritual. You see, I believe my soul is ill and may be in fact dying. Unless I call it back and make peace with it, my physical body will continue to move in a destructive pattern and direction. Two years ago, something tragic almost happened to me in Maui. Yog nej coj kev cai qub no, tej zaum nej yuav ntseeg hais tias kuv tus ntsuj plig khiav kuv thaum ntawv lawm, vim nws tu siab heev rau kuv. Ever since then, I keep dreaming of swiming with the fishes in Hawaii. Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy. I don't know. Maybe I just need God back in my life. So here's my plan: I'm going to take out a personal bank loan and do my trek...my spontaneous, cross-country, soul searching journey that I've been dying to do. And I’d like to start, or end, in Hawaii where I believe my soul departed me and is now roaming. I will plant myself somewhere along a white sandy beach -- perhaps at the place where we had plan on wedding -- and just think. Think, meditate, feel, cry, love, and heal. I want to have a personal lunch with Jesus on that sandy beach, hold his hand, cry on his shoulder and decompress. "Please show me how to live my life, or take me back."

(Sigh)