The Last Walk

It was minus 9 degrees outside as I strolled the neighborhood streets where I live in Cottage Grove. The sharp, freezing wind pierced through every garment on me, finding its way in-between cracks and crevices along the body. It was so cold, I had to go back to the house to layer on another pair of clothing. The only exposed body part were my eyes, which is no consolation for they too fell victim to the artic winds. In fact, I had to close my eyes once in a while, even fearing they will give up on me if I didn’t come to my senses! But the occasional tears I would cry kept them warm and damp.

Nothing was going to deter a much needed walk. The tundra conditions outside could not match the coldness in my heart. This would be my last walk before our divorce. The only thing on my mind was how I was going to adapt. We’ve been together a long time, 14 years in marriage plus 2 years before that dating. As I recount my sins, I can’t blame Kabao for being so hard on me. I said I would own up to everything I did, up to and including a divorce. Through the tiny speakers on my iPod, Joshua Kadison had some interesting words to say,

'cause if you're really set on one of us to leave,
I guess there's really nothing left to say.
It seems like such a shame,
but baby, I could never blame you, baby,
for leaving this old story far behind...

I was 7pm in the evening, the sun had already set. I went to the playground where I frequently walk our dog. I sat on a bench not knowing how to feel or think. Walked to the jungle jim, stood there, stared down on the snow then started weeping. Tears fell for two people, my wife and Jasmine. It's a classic love triangle, a sick game life throws us. My closest friends, you guys, try knocking sense into me asking why I can't love my wife, who have been a "perfect wife" so far! All I can say is, the heart feels what it feels. I have little control over it.

Two hours and a half-frozen body later, I headed home. The house was empty—how symbolic, I thought. Kabao was still out, probably being consoled by her friends. A moment later, I found myself talking to a long-time PH friend. Sometimes friends enter our lives at the most perfect time even if you’re just BS’ing about nonsensical things. You thank God for them because they remind you that you’re still human with flaws. Thank you, Papaya and Rose.