It’s almost midnight. I sit at a pool’s wayside at a motel in Sacramento, CA halfway across the country, feeling a little homesick. I’m up here with a friend for California’s Democratic Convention. Even though the people here are nice, I miss the familiar. I feel like I’m in a whole new world. This trip was supposed to be a soul searching journey – about life, career, school – but I’m not sure what it is anymore. I guess I’ve been introduced to one too many people, one too many city, one too many motels. Either that or I’m still pissed off that my car got jacked. I go to dinner events without proper shoes, socks, and belts (stolen). Goodness. Steve has offered to take me to Yosemite National Park tomorrow. I might just take his offer. Maybe I’ll continue to head up north to Oregon and round back home. I don’t know if I want to drive all the way to NC and NYC anymore. My stereo got busted and I don’t know if I even want to buy a new one. But that drive would be torture. I’m feeling pressed for time and, well, money. I have exceeded my budget. *sigh* And I haven’t even gone swimming with the fishes.

The Best and Worst of Fresno

Wow, what an interesting 2 days I've had. On my first night in Fresno, my car was burglarized outside of my motel. They stole a bag of my clothes, misc wires and camera acessories and cables, books I wanted to read on my trip, and worst of all, all my Modern Talking, Blue System, and Bad Boys Blue original CD's that I've collected over the past 15 years. They are more than just the hard earn cash I paid for them; they have a lot of sentimental value. I felt so violated I just wanted to pack up and go back home. Equally disappointing was meeting a girl I have been communicating with for the past few weeks. Let's just say she's nothing like she portrays herself online. It's a lesson we all have to learn the hard way.

I had a much better day today. Spent most of the day with a good friend of mine, Steve, who is here in Fresno. We've known each other since my days with Hmong National Organization. We had a really nice open talk about women and relationships (how often does that happen between guys?). Went on his AM radio talk show (Hmong and Asian listeners) as a guest and commented on marriage & divorce in the Hmong community. It was fun! Played tennis afterwards...boy, did I need the workout since I last jogged in St. Paul! Then we went out for drinks and he introduced me to a friend (playing cupid). Wow,...instant chemistry. I'll just leave it at that. :)

West Bound

More photos from my trip.

Me in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado heading west. This is a beautiful scenic stop site. Just behind me you can see a small stream evolving from the melting snow caps.

In the Rockies still. Love birch trees so much, I didn't care if it WAS at a gas station! LoL

Beautiful sunset as seen through my sun shades.

I would be blinded by the sun without these babies.

I love the backdrop here. It's so desolate and western.

Looking out west.

Salt Lake City, Utah sits almost in a bowl surrounded by mountains. The city is beautiful! Very clean and scenic. Here's a small park right next to the state capital. Love the colors.

The Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. This is not that far from Salt Lake City.

Apple blossoms at the Motel 6 where I stayed near Salt Lake City.

Who hasn't taken this shot with their digi cam?

This is a nice shot of Utah's landscape on Interstate 80. It's not as dry or boring as I thought it would be. Did some real deep thinking here.

Finally arrived in Cal. This is 2/3 of "Puddles Over Antarctica", my virtual band. We jammed a little in Stocton then went out to eat. Gossipped about HOL and PH people. LoL!

Got bored yesterday so went to the park and wrote a song. I think it sounds nice!! Will post a demo later.

Finally, my grandparents in Stockton, CA. When I greeted my grandfather at the hospital for the first time, I broke down crying. I haven't seen him in 4 years. When the entire family prayed, he prayed for me and my life (he heard about me and Kabao). I was so touched by his thought, I started to cry during prayer. He told me that if he was younger, he'd follow me across the states just to make sure I was safe. My grandpappa is so sweet. I will miss him dearly.

We just got word last night that his condition has gotten worse. Apparently, his neck and chest area is swelling from air that is escaping the lungs. With so many health complications and considering his age, doctors don't think he can make it. We may only have a few days. This could delay the rest of my trip but that's okay. It's family. Plan on being at the hospital all day today. It will be sad the next few days. Hoping for the best but expecting the worse.

Denver

I've been in Denver a day now. It's a beautiful city...very new and clean. The city has been blooming like crazy. Lots of new development. Went sight-seeing with a friend and her sister. Had a GREAT time! Ate dinner in downtown Denver and even played my guitar there! No tips though...hehe.

Here are some photos.

Red Rocks Overlook (don't remember the actual name)

Me, same place.

Me and Linda (my tour guide) in downtown Denver doing dinner.

The Starting Line

I am leaving on my cross-country trip this morning. It feels exciting. I'm hoping to get to Denver by tonight and crash there. See the town a little bit in the morning then head to Salk Lake City and onto Sacremento/Stockton. Hopefully grandpa will wait for me.

There are lots to think about during this journey. Love, family, kids, god, career moves, my education, etc. I hope to catch many moments of inspiration. When I do, I'll try to put them in the form of a song.

Grandpa may be dying

We just got a call today that my grandfather (my mom's dad) just suffered a serious brain aneurism. The prognosis is not optismic and we're all fearing that he may go. He suffered a heart attack not long ago and his diabetes is getting worse. He's almost 90 years old. My mother is flying to Stockton, CA tomorrow along with two aunts. If it's serious, I may join them a few days later. But if it can wait, I'll drive instead. I guess instead of driving eastcoast first, I'll go west. Gosh...life is so sad right now. I'm so damn depressed.

Rented 4 romantic comedies tonight. I have so much on my mind right now, I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight (tearin' right now) :( *sniff*

An epiphany

"People love you, they just don't love you in the way YOU WANT them to. And that's where we falter."

While talking to a friend tonight, I had an epiphany. All along I've been questioning why everyone who I've ever loved leaves me eventually -- my father, sister, God, church, close friends, Jasmine, and now Kabao. What if it's not they who left me, but I who left them...or at least don't want anything to do with them after the hurt and disappointment. I have to admit I am notoriously unforgiving...to the point where I shut people out of my life completely. And I'll hold a lifetime grudge if I have to (16 years and counting with my own father). This is not good, I know. Why am I like this?? (hmm.....thinking....) I think there are internal and external root causes. Internal because I can be demanding on people (a pefectionist, high expectations) and external maybe because I've been hurt one too many times. After my parent's divorce, my father left me, his elder son, in the dark during my adoloscent and young adult life. He wouldn't even do my wedding and said that if I died, he wouldn't come to my funeral. God, the one person who I thought I could trust, took his side it seems. To think I used to be such a Bible-tooting church goer. Betrayal is something I know all too well. I'll be a friend, a lover, a family member, but the moment I smell betrayal and disloyalty, I will turn on you like a mad dog on its owner! You can say it's a defense mechanism I've built over the years. People who know me know I live a sad and lonely life, despite a normal facade. I'll have to think some more about this during my cross-country trip.

(Betrayal....something I've learned do well myself. *Sigh*)

Love

It's raining hard here in Minnesota for the first time. Vincent and Alycia are sound asleep on my bed in my "little house", a guest house outside my mother's home on her property. I've been living here for 2 weeks now. It's the first time the three of us are sleeping in one room without mommy.

We just watched a couple movies (Ice Princess & North Country). The main storylines were great and all but it was the subplot that jerked my tear. Both exhibit how loving parents are of their children. That we will do everything in our powers to protect and love them. Just watching my babies (teenagers now, but they are still my babies) sleeping next to me here makes me both happy and sad. I love them dearly. Sometmes, they are my only motivation in life.

Earlier in the day, we went to the mall. Pigged out at this Mexican restaurant...oh, they got awesome nachos and mango salsa (free!). Bought a couple of mice for $3, but $4 on food (did we get con'd?). Named them brownie and marshmello. Then went to the movies and watched Ice Age 2. A great movie (funny!)! Had a great day with the kids.